Brother Theodore’s Quadrupedism:
We measure things by what we are. To the maggots in the cheese, the cheese is
the universe. To the worms in the
corpse, the corpse is the cosmos. How
then can we be so cocksure about our world?
Just because of our telescopes and microscopes and the splitting of the
atom? Certainly not! Science is but an organized system of
ignorance. There are more things in
heaven and on earth then are dreamt of in your philosophy. What do we know about the beyond? Do we know what's behind the beyond? I'm afraid some of us hardly know what's
beyond the behind. Creatures of
twilight and delusion we drift and drift towards our unknown ends. And that's why I feel the best thing is not
to be born. But who is as lucky as
that? To whom does it happen? Not to one among millions and millions of people.
My friends I'm
here tonight to show you the way. I'm
here tonight to share a great truth with you.
I'm here to night to de-hypnotize you.
To free you from a deadly collective obsession. I'm a voice for those who dare not
speak. I'm a cry for hearts that suffer
in silence and I’m here tonight to tell you what needs to be told. I feel an itch for public service and I've
got to scratch it.
In this best of
all possible worlds everything is in one hell of a mess. Everyone knows it. Everyone has a different explanation for it. But all these explanations are bunk. Not money or the lack of it, not the atom
bomb, or the hydrogen bomb, or the cobalt bomb are responsible for our plight. Not capitalism or socialism, not militarism
or pacifism, not cannibalism or ventriloquism, none of these are to blame. None of these are at fault. They are mere symptoms. They are mere manifestations of an evil that
is deeper rooted. The true cause of our
problems and pains, the basic cause of our headaches and heartaches and
torments and turmoils and calamities and crimes, the real cause has been hidden
from us. Hidden by the very men who are
supposed to enlighten and protect us.
The medical profession. I accuse
medical science! I say medical science
is a fraud! An organized system of
ignorance! I say medical science is a
conspiracy, a premeditated idiocy! Its
practitioners have betrayed us.
Everyday they give us a new theory.
Today contradicts yesterday, tomorrow will wipe out today. A torrent of trash, a Niagara of
nonsense. After 10,000 years we are
still living in an age of pills and legalized butchery, of blood analysis,
urine and psychoanalysis, of toenail and dandruff analysis. An army of know-nothing, hair splitting, fee
splitting specialists is at war with any army of ailments, and the ailments
bloom, and the specialists prosper, and the patients die…unless kept alive at
the point of a gun.
You are being
murdered my friends day after day as long as you live. Never ask for whom the grave is dug, it's dug for you! You are within walking distance of your grave. But you can’t see it. Tears shed by your left eye are blinding
your right eye. Tears shed by your
right eye are blinding your left eye.
Wake up! We are not suffering
from a million or more diseases, but from one disease and from one only, the
hidden disease, the original, the fundamental disease, and it cannot be cured
by chemical or surgery, by skullduggery or black strap molasses. Let the doctors examine themselves! Let them have a good look at their own
distorted two legged upright position.
They stand on their hind legs, but can they think straight? Their spines are caving in, their livers
have putrefied, their discs have slipped, their sciatica is dislocated, their
noses have bulbified. What do these
learned garbage cans, these boil catchers and abominationists, these
troubadours of diarrhea and constipation, what do these sinister fools, these
hand picked morons, what do they know about quadrupedism? About four leggedism? Less then a jellyfish knows about
Beethoven's 9th.
Back my friends, back I say, back to
the position nature gave us in the beginning!
Down, down I say, down on all fours! In these days of darkness and doubt, of crisis and confusion, what the
world needs is a truly great soul. I am
that soul. I am a thinker of
thoughts. I see the relationship
between things that are utterly unrelated.
I am a cosmodynamic personality, walking in beauty and eternal youth on
all fours. On record covers I look like
a pile of mud but that's only because photography is still in its infancy. I am what you might call a controversial
figure. People either hate me or
despise me. They would rather shake the
devil by the tail then shake me by the hand, but with every failure my
reputation grows. I speak to the
misguided, to the befuddled and bepiffled ones, to those
upright pillars of pain who are born in misery and die in sorrow, to those
pathetic yokels who stalk about on their hind legs and call
themselves masters of the earth. I
speak to you! Wake up!
It's hard to
break with tradition and give up your prejudice. I know that, but what has walking on two legs done for you? It has changed you into flotsam and
jetsam. It has thrown you into an orgy
of self destruction. It has made chaos
the law of your life, and loneliness and despair and the imbibery of schnapps
the pattern of your existence, a shadow existence, a death in life. From womb to tomb - anguish. From cradle to crypt - tears. Your body, your mind, your soul, cry out for
help! You swallow another pill and say,
“Shut up body, shut up mind, shut up
soul.” But they won't shut up. Fungus, decomposed protein, scrofula, disgruntled liver bile... wriggle their way into your blood, cripple your anatomy, mutilate
your metabolism, causing spaghetti deficiency and the crumbling of the T-bone,
leading to overweight and adultery, opening the door to lockjaw, housemaid’s knee and compulsive uncalled for laughter.
You want health. Do you have it? You long for love. Do you
have it? You yearn for peace. Do you have it? Your way of life has failed you time and again. Might it not be wise to try another way? My way, natures way? Back my friends, back I say, back to the
position nature gave us in the beginning.
Down, down I say, down on all fours and look your neighbor straight in
the eye… or are you more interested in booze and a loaded dice? In two legged beastliness and
promiscuity!? Your forefather wasn't,
early man wasn't. Early man stayed
right in his cave rubbing elbows with early woman; and the
average early man, the early man in the streets, walked on all fours and was
proud of it. Won't you try it? The sublime bliss of quadrupedism. The unspeakable joy of four leggedism. I need fellow crusaders. I need you my friends with your splendid
intellects. The world needs you! Your loved ones
need you! Won't you help
me help you help them? I can't do it
alone friends. I am not the reincarnated
Joan of Arc or something. I'm just
plain folks. Oh, my brothers, my sisters, my countrymen, countrywomen, are you going to put it off until it’s too late? Till the Russians come up with it!? By your apathy, by your complacency, by your
two legged indifference, you have made this beautiful wide, wide world an
insult to creation! You have made it
the dung heap of the universe!
Let me read you
an article from the Women’s Daily Digest.
It is entitled “What Has This World Come To”. Let me read it to you verbatim my friends just as I found it
bona-fide in the por nographic division of the New York por nographic
library. Here it is and I quote "A
young man of good character and solid background visits a local dive, The Dirty
Shame Café. There he finds liquor and lipstick and laughter and song, also
cigarette spittle and two legged entertainment. After a while, fifteen beers under his
belt, his money spent, his morals impaired, he is kicked out of the joint. Bleary eyed, belching, spewing, cussing right
and left, he gropes his way home. ‘All
right Maw, dish out the dough and make it snappy. I've got to get back to the dancing school. Come on old rattlesnake get going!’ And he
kicked her below the belt. His mother,
a widow, poor but respectable, a lady every inch, declines. The young man gives a short laugh. ‘Boo, ha, ha, ha. Boo, ha, ha, ha.’ Then he grabs a gun and he runs out again determined to reenter
his hell soaked paradise, money or no money.
His mothers hobbles after him, puts her hand on his arm in
restraint. He brushes her off. The friendly old mailman passes by. He stops and quotes from the Bible, but the young man, frenzied by lager
beer, puts a bullet through his noodle.
A couple of kids stand around watching the scene with interest. He slays them, just like that. Then he bumps off the washroom attendant,
also a television repair man, a freemason and the dentist next door. Heads, arms, legs, kneecaps, eyeballs,
armpits, eardrums, hemorrhoids, asteroids, are rolling in all directions. His mother swoons. Too late. Three hours
later she is dead of leprosy….What a day." End of article.
Now don't get me
wrong friends. Walking on all fours is
not going to transform you into another person. It will in no way change your identity, but it will help you
achieve the success you so richly deserve.
It will propel you to heights undreamed of. It will make you a race of rulers. It will make you a breed of kings. It will fulfill your fondest expectations. Now what exactly does “fulfill” mean?
It means to fill full. That's
what it means in a nutshell.
Up to now your
life as been a long dim twilight trance, interrupted by occasional fits of
panic and confused activity. The vital
spark, the zest of life is missing. Let
me be your Dexedrine. Let me direct you
and quicken you. Let me instruct and
exalt you. Let me pump purpose into
your bloodless veins. Hope into your
hopeless hearts. Let me be your
sword. Let me be your flame. Let me be your Valentine!
At this point I should like to debunk one of your pet
superstitions. We do not hear with our
ears. I repeat that. We do not hear with our ears. Our eyes are mere window dressing, as useful
as a glass eye at a keyhole. Man hears
with his left hind leg…that upsets all your grammar school notions doesn't
it? I don't want you to accept it on my
mere say-so, but consider this, can a fish hear? Of course he can. Not
with his ears. Fish have no ears, they
hear with their tails. Dr Helmut Von Kratzkopf noted German explorer, philosopher, metaphysician and podiatrist,
conducted an interesting experiment along these lines. Von Kratzkopf put some
ordinary run of the mill goldfish, into a ordinary run of the mill goldfish
bowl, filled with ordinary run of the mill tap water, and then he proceeded to
shout threats and insults at the fish.
“Verfluchte
Fish Sau. Euch hat man wohl in die Muffe gepufft. Affen Fish. Schweine
Fish. Hurren Fish. Ich lasse mich nicht von euch verpfumfheissen. In den
Mülleimer mit euch, das es nur so kracht. Unwiederruflisch. Erbarmungsloss.” * You should have seen the fish
after a couple of days. They were
bitter fish, peaked peeved miffed huffed fish, discontented and disgruntled
fish. They would sulk easily. They would bathe in tears three times a day,
and seven times on Saturdays. They
would pollute beaches. They would laugh
like crocodiles… Fish do hear…with their tails. After all, fish are just like other people, except that they are
fish.
Back my friends, back I say, back to the position nature gave us in the
beginning. Down, down, down I say, down
on all fours with out any further adieu!
Dearly beloved believe me walking on all fours is no pipedream, no
utopia, no metaphysical goulash, no pie in the sky. I didn't dream it up, or stir it up with a stick or
something. Walking on all fours is a
fact. A glorious fact! A reality more real then reality. It is living as nature meant you to live,
with your vertebrae held horizontal from east to west, with your posterior
pointing to the North
Pole. The Mariner’s guide. With your belly-button as
a center of gravity, transmitting poise and popularity to all the paths of your
body. Walking on all fours is the real
McCoy. It is worth its weight in
gold. It is too indescribably
delicious. Hallelujah!
But you can’t be wishy-washy about it, or namby-pamby. Compromising won't do. You can't just say “Let George do it.” or
“Let Brother Theodore do it. Let him
walk on all fours;
I’ve got arthritis.” Oh, no. And walking on three legs won’t do either. It’s whole hog or nothing. You can’t learn how to swim unless you get
into the water and drown. Merely
listening to Brother Theodore doesn’t make you a quadrupedist any more then
going to a garage makes you an automobile.
Brother Theodore doesn't grow on every bush. You can’t pick the cherries out of his pie and reject the thorns
of his roses! Don't you want to score a
victory over your lower nature? Don't
you want to get the four legged know how?
Let me tell you friends... we still are friends, are we
not? Or at least very good acquaintances? Well, let me tell you, very good
acquaintances, quadrupedism produces electromagnetic charges in your body. It unblocks the kidney stew and stimulates
the carbon dioxide in your lungs which turn to brewer’s yeast. You have attained the logomundady, the locodaedely
of the goo-goo. You sit back and enjoy that glorious, that peppy, luxurious feeling that
goes with regularity. Fair enough?
Accept me. Follow me.
I am not off my rocker, and I am no quack,
no cultist, no charlatan. My intentions
are honorable. I want to save you. All of you.
From the most vomitory fate that has ever threatened human kind. Extinction!
Can't you see where we are headed?
This is the end of the line. The
insects are about to wipe us off the map.
They are ready to take over. We
stand at the dawn of the insect age.
What do you think of that? Just
imagine the Tsetse fly running things, or the praying mantis. Is that what you are after? Is that what you are sending your kids to
college for? Or do you think you are
immune to extinction because you are so clever? So cute? So essential to
the music of the spheres? Well, once
upon a time another crowd felt that way too.
About a hundred million years
ago, the dinosaurs had everything their own way. They thought they knew all the answers. They thought they could hear the grass growing.
Maybe
they could. But according to Titsling
and Boukanowski, their social life was a disgrace. They changed their sex every other month and used profane
language, and at the age of three, at the very
tender age of three, they would go
steady in no uncertain manner and bring forth eggs as large as footballs! Without benefit of clergy or city hall. Extinction!
That's what they asked for, that’s what they got. They were among the first to get up and
waddle about on their hindlegs which made them so smug, so sissified, so
self-absorbed they wouldn't even neck anymore.
It was too much bother. Not that
I care. I can't figure out what they
saw in each other in the first place. I
don’t go for dinosaurs. Maybe I haven't
met the right one yet…and anyway where are they now, those parasites? And where is Sodom? Where Gomorrah? Where Paterson, New Jersey?
Ah, my very good acquaintances, Mother Nature can get terribly nasty
when she puts her mind to it. My, oh
my.
Wake up! Join Brother Theodore’s Happiness
Campaign! Smash the drugstores! Hang the pill pushers! Slaughter the surgeons! Exterminate the cuckoo analysts! Only when the last Freudian has been strangled with the entrails
of the last Jungian, only when the
last endocrinologist has been drowned in the blood of the last
gastroenterologist, only then will there be a new life for us. An earth redeemed and on it we shall dance,
truly dance as we have never danced before, to the heartbeat of our great
Mother Earth. Caressing her on all
fours. Beast men, beast women! ..and your tortured bodies, your anguished
souls, will be at peace, at last.
Down into
action!... Forward march!
Our goal:
Washington.
Our end:
Compulsory Quadrupedism.
Our Battle Cry:
Sanity!
March!
Back, back my
friends, back to the position nature gave us in the beginning, down, down I
say, down, down, down, down on all fours…
And if you happen
to grow a tail...
Wag it.
For tons of audio & other Brother Theodore files click here: http://thepiratebay.org/torrent/3703210/Brother_Theodore_Collection
Quadrupedism is Real!:
Kurdish family walks on all fours
LONDON, March 7, 2006 (UPI) -- Five members of a
Kurdish family in Turkey, who can only walk naturally on all fours, are being
hailed as a unique insight into human evolution. Scientists told the Times of London the family might provide invaluable
information on how humans evolved from four-legged hominids, developing the
ability to walk on two feet more than 3 million years ago. Two daughters and a son have only walked
using two palms and two feet, with their extended legs, while another daughter
and son occasionally manage a form of two-footed walking, the Times reported,
noting all five can stand upright, but only for a short time. Last year's discovery of the family in rural
southern Turkey has produced a scientific debate: Some researchers believe
genetic faults caused the siblings to regress in a form of "backward
evolution," while other scientists claim genes triggered brain
damage. But Nicholas Humphrey, a London
School of Economics evolutionary psychologist, told the Times weeks of study
indicate their method of walking is a long-term pattern of behavior and not a
hoax. "However they arrived at
this point, we have adult human beings walking like ancestors several million
years ago," Humphrey said.
Copyright 2006 by United Press International. All
Rights Reserved.
* You rotten fishes, somebody must have blown your
cunts! Monkey Fishes! Pig Fishes!
Whore Fishes! Don’t let myself
be fooled by ya! Piss off! In the rubbish with ya! Baam!
No Regret & Pity for ya!